When Chris went to Kijuju
by summersunny
Summary: Chris goes to Kijuju to stop his evil nemesis Wesker once and for all in this insane, random, stupid fanfic. Warning: There is a lot of swearing in this fic. Enjoy!
1. Chapter 1

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own ANYTHING in this fanfiction. I do not own Resident Evil or any of its characters. Any of the products mentioned in this fanfiction do not belong to me. They belong to their respective owners.**

**Chapter 1**

Chris is driving through Africa in his jeep with the song "I'm a Barbie Girl" blasting loudly through his CD player.

Chris _(singing loudly and completely off key):_ I'M A BARBIE GIRL! IN A BARBIE WOOORRLD! LIFE IN PLASTIC…IS FANTASTIC! YOU CAN BRUSH MY HAIR! UNDRESS ME EVERYWHERE! BLAH, BLAH, I FORGET THE WORDS, UM IMAGINATION…MY IMAGINATION! COME ON BARBIE LETS GO PARTY! OH! OH! OH YEAH!

_Chris drives until he finally arrives at his destination. Before Chris gets out of the car he continues jamming loudly to "Barbie Girl"._

Chris: I'M A BARBIE GIRL! IN A BARBIE WORLD! LIFE IN PLASTIC…IS FANTASTIC!

Chris _(jiggling his chest)_: I'M A BARBIE GIRL! IN A BARBIE WORLD!

_All of a sudden, a beautiful African woman approaches him._

Chris: OH SHIT!

_Chris starts frantically trying to put off the CD player but he accidentally increases the volume of the song._

**I'M A BARBIE GIRL, IN A BARBIE WORLD!**

Chris: Oh shit, oh shit!

_Sheva is still looking confused._

_Finally Chris turns off the CD, ejects it and throws it out the car. A cat is heard screaming._

Chris _(smiling sheepishly):_ Hey. I don't know how that song got on my CD player. My kid sister probably left it in the car. I wouldn't be listening to such a girlie song! But my sister would listen to a song like that, because it's a girlie song and she's a girl.

Sheva: ...

Chris: I got nothing but manly songs! You know some Lil Wayne, some NWA, some Drake, you know what I'm saying? Lets see here…

_Chris gets out a CD from his CD bag and pops it in the CD player._

OH GIRLS JUST WANT TO HAVE FUN! OH GIRLS JUST WANT TO HAVE FUN!

_Chris frantically changes to the next track_

CALIFORNIA GIRLS! WE'RE UNFORGETTABLE! DAISY DUKES BIKINIS ON TOP! SUNKISSED SKIN, SO HOT WE'LL MELT YOUR POPSICLE! OH OH OH OHHHHHH! OH OH! OHHHHHHHH!

_Chris changes to the next track_

DON'T CHA WISH YOUR GIRLFRIEND WAS HOT LIKE ME? DON'T YA WISH YOUR GIRLFRIEND WAS A FREAK LIKE ME? DON'T CHA? DON'T CHA BABY? DON'T CHA?

_Chris puts off the CD and there is an awkward silence. Chris gets out of the car, completely embarrassed and walks up to her._

Chris: Well that was…humiliating to say the least..oh wait a minute! You're African! You don't speak English! Lucky me! That means you didn't understand the words of any of those songs.

Sheva: Um…

Chris _(Loudly): _NICE TO MEET YOU! MY NAME IS CHRIS. CHRIS! _(He touches his chest as he says this)_ CHRIS! YOU UNDERSTAND? MY NAME CHRIS! YOU ARE?

Sheva _(looking more perplexed than before)_

Chris: ME, CHRIS, CHRIS! YOU?

_Chris puts his hand on her boobs._

Chris: AND YOU? YOUR NAME? Ooo, nice boobs.

_Sheva gets so enraged and grabs his wrist. She twists it and throws him on the ground._

Chris: Owie!

Sheva: I CAN SPEAK ENGLISH YOU FUCKING, IGNORANT ASSHOLE! AND IF YOU FUCKING TOUCH ME LIKE THAT AGAIN, THAT WILL BE THE LAST THING YOU EVER FUCKING TOUCH!

Chris: Damn, you're so angry...that's hot. You wanna have like angry sex?

Sheva: What the? What the fuck is wrong with you?

Chris: Well, I tend to cry after I finish having sex, but that's because I get so emotional you know? Sex is such a beautiful thing. But I'm trying not to cry after sex anymore. So I'll keep that in mind after we finish boning.

Sheva: What? No I meant what's wrong with you in general?

Chris: Well, I have had this rash on my ass for a few days now. I think I got bit by a bug.

Sheva: You know what, whatever. I can't believe that you of all people are going to help me save the world from bioterrorism. Do they just hire any idiot now?

Chris: Hey! I'm not an idiot! I am offended. Ooo! Is that a monkey? Hey monkey!

_Monkey jumps on Chris' face and starts scratching him._

Chris: OH SHIT! GET THIS LITTLE SHIT OFF ME! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Sheva: Oh this is going to be a long mission.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything in this fanfiction.**

_Chris and Sheva start walking to town._

Chris: So what's your name anyway?

Sheva: Sheva. Sheva Alomar.

Chris: Oh, cool. Is that like your slave name or…?

_Sheva gives him a dirty look_

Chris: Oh is this the town?

Sheva: Yup, this is where we are meeting the weapons' dealer.

Weapons' dealer: Hey, so you got my shit?

Sheva: What?

Weapons' dealer: You got my shit? I got your shit now give me my shit.

Sheva: What the? What the hell are you talking about?

Weapons' dealer _(brings out a bag of cocaine from his pocket):_ I said here's your shit, now give me mine…where's my money?

Sheva: You know, you could have just asked where your money is from the get go instead of all this confusion.

Weapons' dealer: Oh yeah, but I'm really high right now so I didn't think about that. Anyway you want the cocaine? Or some weed? I got lots of weed man. And some LSD, ecstasy, some mushrooms…whatever you want man, whatever y'all want, I got.

Chris: Oh yeah! Nice! I could use some of that shit! I've only been in Africa for a few days and it's so hard! The weather is hot and humid! The power goes out sometimes, there are mosquitoes! Africa is hard yo! I need shit to help me cope! I'll take all of those drugs please!

Weapons' dealer: A'ight here you go.

Sheva: What? NO! Chris you can't get high on the mission!

Chris: I'll save it for later.

Sheva: *sighs* look, we're not here for drugs alright, we're here for weapons!

Weapons' dealer: Oh shit I got weapons too yo! _(He opens his coat and there are a multitude of weapons)_ What do y'all want? I got snipers, shotguns, bazookas, grenades, shit, take your pick!

Chris: Damn how do you fit all that shit in your coat?

Sheva: Yeah, and how does your coat not look bulky at all when you have all that shit in your coat?

Weapons' dealer: I don't know. How can a man push a boulder with his bare hands?

Voice from nowhere: Foreshadowing…..

Chris: Um, did you guys hear that?

Sheva: Yes, I did, where the fuck did that voice come from?

Weapons' dealer: Um, nothing. Anyway do y'all want weapons or not?

Sheva: Where's the real weapons' dealer that we were supposed to meet?

Weapons' dealer: Oh he's outside.

Chris and Sheva look outside the window and see a bunch of people and there is the real weapons' dealer about to be executed.

Real Weapons' dealer: You can all go to hell!

Real Weapon's dealer gets his head chopped off. And the people cheer.

Chris: YAY!

Sheva: CHRIS!

Chris: Oh I'm sorry, I thought I was supposed to cheer. I thought this was like a fun event that you guys do in Africa.

Weapons' dealer: Oh shit. He ain't gonna be in Resident Evil 6.

Chris and Sheva: Huh?

Weapons' dealer: A'ight y'all, look I gotta bounce. A'ight. Now do y'all want weapons?

Sheva: Well, I guess we have no choice but to buy it from you.

_Chris and Sheva take body armor, shotguns, grenades, sniper rifles, handguns and water guns_.

Weapons' dealer: That will be 10,000 dollars.

Chris: What the fuck? 10,000 dollars?

Sheva: We don't have that kind of money!

Weapons' dealer: Shoot, well I guess y'all can't get the weapons then. Good luck trying to survive out there.

Chris: Come on, can't we negotiate?

Sheva: Yeah, come on, what do you want other than money?

Weapons' dealer: Will you do anything?

_Chris and Sheva cringe._

Sheva: *Sigh* what do you want us to do?

Weapons' dealer: You know, I haven't felt the touch of a woman in a long time…

Sheva: Oh shit…

_Weapon's dealer is moaning and groaning_

Weapons' dealer: Oh Sheva, oh Sheva! Oh Sheva! Girl, you so hot!

Sheva: Please kill me now.

_Sheva is sitting down on a chair and the Weapons' dealer is standing in front of her, rubbing her hair with his hands._

Weapons' dealer: Girl, your hair is sooooooo fine! Oh! Oh! Oh yes! Oh yes!

Sheva: Do you have to be so fucking loud?

Weapons' dealer: Oh baby! Your hair feels soooooo good!

Sheva: Okay, it's been 10 minutes. Are you done touching my hair?

Weapons' dealer: Oh, it went by so fast! Oh that felt so good. I love feeling a woman's hair. Thank you so much for that.

Sheva: Whatever. Can we have the weapons' now?

Weapons' dealer: Oh, one more thing.

Sheva: What?

Weapons dealer: Can I…can I smell your hair?

Sheva: *sigh* fine.

Weapons' dealer: Yay! _(He inhales the scent from her hair)._ Oh shit, that smells so good. Is that mango mixed with citrus shampoo you used?

Sheva: Why yes, with a dash of vanilla.

Weapons' dealer: Oooo baby!

Sheva: It smells good huh?

Weapons' dealer: Oh yeah! Anyway here are your weapons. Have a good day!

Sheva: Wait, one more thing…

Weapons' dealer: Oh you want some more hair touching huh?

Sheva: _(Disgusted):_ Um, no. Do you know where we can find this man Irvin? He is a criminal.

Weapons' dealer: Oh, my man Irv?

Sheva: You know him?

Weapons' dealer: Shit, Irv buys drugs from me all the time. That's my dog yo. But he's a criminal? Huh, never would have thought. He seems like such a nice guy. Anyway yeah last time I talked to him he said he was gonna be on a boat, on a boat, on a motherfucking boat.

Chris: Where can we find the motherfucking boat?

Weapons' dealer: Oh it ain't too far from here. Just get out the door, take a left, then go about 10 miles, make a right and then another 10 miles and you should see it.

Chris: Thanks

Weapons' dealer: No problem. Just avoid those bloodthirsty people outside and y'all be fine.

_Chris and Sheva leave the building._

Chris: He's a pretty nice guy.

Sheva: He is a creepy weirdo. Oh well, at least we got weapons. Now lets find Irvin!

Chris: Um, Sheva…

Sheva: Yeah?

Chris: Um, who is Irvin?

Sheva: You've gotta be shitting me. Ricardo Irvin sells bio terrorism weapons. We're here to apprehend him. How could you not know about your own mission? Did the BSAA not brief you?

Chris: Um, no. If they did brief me obviously I would know. Duh.

**Flashback**

**Before Chris left for Africa**

**BSAA Head quarters**

_Barry: Okay Chris. There seems to be a lot of bio terrorism weapons' dealings going on in Kijuju Africa._

_Chris (bored) Uh huh._

_Barry: You need to go there and find Ricardo Irvin, a bioterrorism weapons' dealer._

_Chris (Sleepily) Uh huh_

_Barry: Also word is that Albert Wesker is in Kijuju and up to something really sinister. Word is that he is creating a new virus. Uroboros._

_Chris (Still sleepy) uh huh…_

_Barry: CHRIS!_

_Chris (wakes up with drool flowing out of his mouth) Oh hey Barry! What are you doing here?_

_Barry: Did you not hear a word I said about the Mission briefing?_

_Chris: Of course I did! Africa, bad men, weapons. I got it!_

**End flashback**

Chris: Stupid BSAA. You think they would be on top of things.

Sheva: Anyway come on. Lets get Irvin.

_Chris and Sheva follow the directions the weapons dealer gave them, but they are lost._

Chris: I don't see a boat anywhere!

Sheva: Well, I guess that goes to show that you shouldn't take directions from a drug dealer who is high.

_All of a sudden, a blonde white woman runs out of a building screaming_

White woman: HELP!

Chris: Oh no! That woman is in trouble! Lets help her!

_Chris and Sheva run into the building._

Chris and Sheva: FREEZE!

Woman _(crying)_: Please help me.

Sheva: What happened?

Woman: I-I broke a nail! My perfectly manicured nails! Ruined because one stupid nail broke.

Chris: You've got to be shitting me.

Sheva: We thought you were in danger!

Woman: I am in danger! This is a crisis! Look around this place. There is like no nail salon here! None! I got my nails done in the States before coming here! Now what am I gonna do? _(cries)_

Sheva: What a fucking waste of time. Come on Chris, lets go.

Woman: Wait! Please, would any of you guys happen to know how to do nails? Please, I just need this repaired. Please. Pretty please.

Chris: *sighs* Fine I can help.

Woman: Yay!

_15 minutes later..._

Woman: And guess what? It turns out that my best friend was sleeping with her stepsister's boyfriend!

Chris _(doing her nail):_ No way!

Woman: Way! I was shocked! Well, not totally shocked. I mean I love my bff but honestly, she's a bit a of a slut. Hahahahahaha!

Chris _(laughs):_ Girl, you better be careful having a friend like that before she steals your man, mmmm, hmmm.

Woman: Please, if she slept with my man, I would get back at her by sleeping with her man!

Chris: Oooo, girl, you little whore!

_Woman and Chris laugh. Sheva is just rolling her eyes and shaking her head._

Chris: Okay, your nail is good to go.

Woman: Oh thank you! Thank you! Thank you! What can I do to repay you?

Sheva: Well you could tell us where the harbor is.

Woman: Oh yeah, there's one right…

_Woman starts screaming in pain._

Chris: Girlfriend, are you okay?

Woman: No, I'm in pain, something is wrong with me! My gonorrhea has never hurt me this much!

Chris: Oh no!

_Woman mutates._

Chris: Ewwwwww!

_Sheva shoots and kills her._

Chris: What a shame, we were getting to become such good friends. Well I guess I might as well delete her phone number, unfollow her on Twitter and defriend her on Facebook.

Sheva: Where is that damn boat?

Chris: Well let me take out my I-phone and find directions that way.

Sheva: Are you fucking kidding me? You had that all along and you didn't think about using it! Do you know how much time we've wasted when you could have just used the fucking phone?

Chris: Man, PMS much?

Sheva _(frustrated):_ AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Chris: Anyway phone, where is a harbor that a bio terrorist weapons' dealer would be?

I-phone: I found one just a few miles away.

Chris: Excellent. Now, play "Shake, rattle and roll".

_Chris starts dancing to "Shake rattle and roll"._


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything in this fanfiction**

Chris and Sheva finally found the boat.

Sheva: There's Irvin! Quick, lets get to the boat!

Chris and Sheva get on the boat

Chris and Sheva: IRVIN! FREEZE!

Irvin: Oh I see you came for the fireworks! Boom! Yet everybody laughs at me. Well they won't be laughing anymore.

Sheva: WHAT?

_Irvin injects himself and he mutates into a blobfish._

Irvin: Oh shit. I guess my body doesn't respond well to the virus. Oh well. See ya motherfuckers! HAHAHAHAHAHA!

_Blobfish Irvin jumps into the sea._

Irvin: WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! I'M FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

_But he jumps into the mouth of a shark. And he dies._

Chris: Well, that was…really random.

Sheva: I agree. Great, our lead is dead. Now how are we supposed to know what caused this outbreak?

_Just then, a huge TV screen pops out from the floor of the boat. And on the TV screen is Albert Wesker._

Albert Wesker: Hello Chris.

Chris _(angrily):_ **WESKER!**

Wesker: Yes Chris. It is me, your nemesis and arch enemy. Albert Wesker.

Chris: **WESKER!**

Wesker: **MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!**

Chris: **WESKER!**

Wesker: **MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!**

Chris: **WESKER!**

Sheva: Okay, okay, we get it! You two hate each other! Will you please both shut the fuck up!

Chris: **WESKER!** I bet you're behind all of this aren't you?

Wesker: No shit Chris. An evil psycho like me just happens to randomly appear in locations where there is an outbreak like the mansion, Raccoon City, Antarctica, Africa…

Chris: So…are you behind all of this?

_Sheva and Wesker both face palm._

Sheva: Yes you dumbass he is behind all of this!

Chris: Oh.

Sheva: I don't know who you are, but you won't get away with this!

Wesker: Oh yes, yes I will! Muhahahahahaha! Oh and Chris, I know where your partner Jill is.

Chris: What? Jill? But I thought she was dead! Where is she?

Wesker _(laughs):_ Nah dog, I'm just messing with you! No she's dead.

_Chris starts crying_

Wesker: Okay, sorry that was a mean joke. She's alive.

Chris _(wiping his tears):_ *sniff* really?

Wesker: Nah she dead! She bashed her fucking head on the rocks when we both fell out of that window. Her brains were all over the place…it was gross. That river she died in is so polluted now.

_Chris (cries even louder)_

Wesker: Nah, nah I'm just playing! She's alive!

Chris: *sniff* Are you being for real now?

Wesker: Yes, I'm telling the truth! Or am I?

_Chris continues crying. Sheva hugs him to comfort him_.

Wesker: Okay, no, no, no, for real she's alive. Boy I could go on with that joke forever! Hahahahaha! But yeah she's alive.

Sheva: You are such a fucking sociopath!

Wesker: And a psychopath, and emotionally detached, highly narcissistic, an egomaniac, power mad, not empathetic...yeah my therapist says I'm a lot of things…before I killed her.

Chris: You better not have laid a finger on Jill!

Wesker: Muhahahahahaha! You can't stop me Chris and black girl! I have Jill! And I have created a new virus uroboros and I will take over the world! MUHAHAHAHAHA!

_15 minutes later…_

Wesker: MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Okay I gotta bounce. I gotta destroy the world and all that shit. Suck it bitches! HA!

_The screen goes blank._

Chris: We've got to stop him!

Sheva: Agreed!

_Just then, a bunch of majinis start running towards our heroes, from a distance._

Majinis: **GROWL!**

Chris: OH SHIT!

Sheva: We can take them! Come on!

_One Direction's song, "What makes you beautiful" starts randomly playing. Chris, Sheva and the Majinis look up in confusion._

Chris: No, no, no! This isn't the right background music!

Sheva: Yeah!

_Steppenwolf's "Born to be wild" starts playing_

Chris: Much better. Now lets kick ass!

Sheva: Yeah!

_Everything becomes slow motion. Chris and Sheva are shooting and kicking the majinis' asses in slow motion._

Chris _(In slow motion):_ SUCK…IT…ASS…HOLES…

Sheva _(in slow motion):_ AHHHHHHHH…FUCK…YOU…ALL…

_After thirty minutes of fighting, all the majinis are dead._

Chris: Ewwwww, look at all the body parts everywhere. This is disgusting.

Sheva: Yeah and the place smells too!

Chris: Ooo, look, the monsters left some really nice shit. Check this out! Rubies, golden crowns, diamonds, artifacts…

Sheva: Eggs?

Chris: Okay, lets find that asshole Wesker. I-phone, where would we be able to find Albert Wesker?

Phone: He appears to be a few hours from here. Here are co-ordinates.

Chris: Thanks. You can take the rest of the day off.

Phone: If you say so.

Sheva: Alright! Lets go!


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything in this fanfic**

Chris and Sheva are riding a boat on the way to meet Wesker.

Sheva: So, who is Jill anyway?

Chris: Jill Valentine…is my partner.

Sheva: Oh, so you're together…you know…romantically?

Chris: Oh no, we're work partners. But I think we're more than friends though. We've fucked so many times. So many times. I mean, so many times.

Sheva: Okay Chris I get it.

Chris: Jill is such an animal. I mean I've done it with her from behind, missionary, we fucked each other during missions...like when we were doing surveillance in the van. She hits me too when we have sex and tells me to say I'm her bitch. It's so degrading but so hot. Oh and she bites me too during sex. Oh Jill…what a sexy beast.

Sheva: Wow. I did not expect to get all that uncomfortable information from that one question I asked. I'm afraid to ask another question but I really want to know something though.

Chris: What?

Sheva: Well, how did she "die?"

Chris: *sighs* I'll never forget that night…

**Flashback**

_It was a dark, stormy night in the Spencer mansion._

_Chris and Jill were both naked in a closet and having sex._

_Jill: OH CHRIS!_

_Chris: OH JILL!_

_Jill: Go faster bitch! Go faster! Or you can't go faster? Huh?_

_Chris: I can go faster!_

_Jill (slaps Chris in the face): What? You can't go harder and faster huh? Is it because you're a little bitch Chris?_

_Chris: No! No I'm not!_

_Jill: Then go faster!_

_Chris: I'm going! I'm going!_

_Jill: (climaxing): OH YES! OH YES! OH CHRIS! OH! OH!_

_Chris: JILL!_

_They both climaxed and they were done._

_Jill: Oh Chris. You're a beast!_

_Chris: No, you're the beast! Oh Jill, whenever we fuck…it's so…it's so….(Chris starts crying) It's so beautiful!_

_Jill: Awww, it's so cute when you cry after sex. A bit creepy but cute. Alright, we took a break, now lets keep trying to find Wesker._

_Chris (wiping his tears): *sniff* Okay, lets go._

_After walking around for a few more minutes, they find Wesker, and see that he already killed Oswell E. Spencer! **Dun! Dun! Dun!**_

_Chris and Jill: WESKER! FREEZE!_

_Wesker: MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Super mutant move!_

_Wesker starts moving at super fast speed bitch slapping, kicking and beating the shit out of Chris and Jill. Jill and Chris kept shooting at him but he was so fast that the bullets couldn't hit him. Jill tried kicking him and she missed._

_Wesker: HA HA! You can't catch me bitches!_

_Wesker lightning speeds to Chris and with his super strength he grabs Chris. He then sits down with Chris lying down on his lap and starts spanking his butt at super speed._

_Wesker: SUPER MUTANT SPANKING POWER!_

_Chris (Crying and in pain): AHHHHHHHHHHH! MY ASS! IT HURTS! STOP! STOP YOU MONSTER! STOP!_

_Jill: LEAVE CHRIS' ASS ALONE YOU JERK!_

_Jill shoots at Wesker and the bullets hit him in the chest. But because Wesker has powers the bullets only hurt him a little bit. Wesker drops Chris and goes to fight Jill. Chris is rubbing his ass, trying to relive the pain. Wesker is dodging all the punches and kicks that Jill is throwing at him and laughing at her._

_Wesker: What's wrong Jill? Frustrated? You look a little mad too. You're so fucking sexy when you're mad._

_Jill: SHUT UP ASSHOLE!_

_Wesker goes at super lightning speed and grabs something from Jill's pocket._

_Jill: Hey!_

_Wesker (holding Jill's cellphone): Oh, look what we have here._

_Jill: GIVE ME BACK MY PHONE WESKER! NOW!_

_Wesker: Oh the things one can find in people's cellphones. Lets see. Hmmm, what's this? Oh look…look at all these pictures of you naked and half naked Jill._

_There were about fifty pictures of Jill topless, naked, half naked, wearing lingerie and posing seductively. She took those pictures for Chris and sent them to Chris._

_Jill: Stop looking at those you pervert! Those are private pictures!_

_Wesker: For Chris' eyes only huh? MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Well, now millions of people are going to see them! I'm just going to push some buttons here and there and send these photos to people on your phone, send these pictures to my friends, Facebook, Twitter and the rest of the World Wide Web! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!_

_Jill: DON'T YOU DARE!_

_Jill kept trying to beat Wesker and grab her cellphone but Wesker kept dodging her moves._

_Jill: GIVE ME MY FUCKING PHONE WESKER!_

_Wesker: MUHAHAHAHAHAHA! Now I am about to press…send…_

_Everything goes into slow motion. Wesker starts slowly putting his finger near the send button._

_Jill (in slow motion): NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!_

_In slow motion, Jill leaps to Wesker to grab her phone, pushing both of them out of the window…._

_Chris: JILL! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!_

_The next morning….._

_Chris: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! JILL! THE LOVE OF MY LIFE IS GONE! WHO AM I SUPPOSED TO HAVE SEX WITH NOW? (Chris continues crying)._

**End flashback**

Chris _(crying):_ *SNIFF* *SOB* And despite Jill's efforts, Wesker still sent those pictures! She fell out of a fucking mansion for nothing! Her pictures are all over the internet. Everyone has seen her naked now. Everyone! I don't want people seeing Jill naked! Jill's sexy, naked body is for my eyes only!

Sheva _(putting her hand on Chris' shoulder to comfort him):_ Chris, I am so sorry. That must have been so traumatizing, seeing the woman you love fall to her death. And I'm sorry that happened to Jill with her jumping out the window and being humiliated online. I'm really sorry that happened to you and Jill.

Chris _(still crying):_ Thanks Sheva

Sheva: You could have told me that story without mentioning in exact detail how you and Jill had sex though…but anyway…I am so sorry you and Jill went through all of that. Don't worry. Wesker will pay for everything he did to you, Jill and my people.

Chris: *SNIFF* Yeah! You're right! Wesker will pay!

Sheva: You know Chris, you didn't give me a good first impression but now that I've gotten to know you…well, you're not the smartest guy in the world, but you're a really nice guy. Me and you make a really good team.

Chris: Woah, woah, woah hang on there lady…sorry but I'm taken.

Sheva: What?

Chris: I'm sorry Sheva. I know, I know, I'm a hot piece of ass and you're super hot. I'm sure if we had sex it would be incredible but my heart belongs to Jill Valentine.

Sheva: What? Chris, I wasn't hitting on you! I meant that…

Chris puts a finger to her lips: Shhhh….it's okay Sheva, it's okay…I know, I know...if I were you I would find it hard not to fall in love with me too…you don't have to deny it.

Sheva: But…

Chris: Sorry…already taken. (Says quietly to himself) Wow, what a slut.

_Sheva just sighs, rolls her eyes and shakes her head._


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

**DISCLAIMER: I DON'T OWN ANYTHING IN THIS FIC**

Chris and Sheva arrive at a town. There are dead bodies everywhere. Someone or something killed them. But what? **DUN! DUN! DUN!**

Chris: Oh shit! What the fuck happened here?

_All of a sudden, our heroes hear a loud, menacing roar._

"**ROAR!"**

Chris: The fuck?

_Chris and Sheva look up and see a butt ugly, scary looking, angry giant. The giant was pretty creative though. He used the bodies of the people he killed to make a belt. The giant roared and spit was coming out of his mouth._

Sheva _(terrified):_ I guess that's our answer.

Chris: **RUN!**

Sheva and Chris _(running and screaming):_ **AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!**

_Chris and Sheva ran as fast as they could from the giant but the giant kept coming at full speed towards them. Sheva and Chris were getting tired and they hid behind a small house. The giant kept walking, looking for them._

Chris _(crying):_ Oh shit! We're toast! We're fucking toast!

Sheva: Yeah I hate to say this but I don't know how the fuck we're gonna beat that thing.

Chris: We're gonna die! Good thing I bought drugs from that Weapons' dealer.

_Chris takes out all the drugs he has._

Sheva: Chris, what are you doing?

Chris: Hey, if I'm gonna die, I'm want to die high and happy.

_Chris starts eating the mushrooms and then he starts getting high. He has a huge goofy smile on his face._

Sheva: Shit, I agree…might as well die feeling all happy. Let me have some of that shit Chris.

Chris _(High as a kite):_ Go for it buddy!

_Chris and Sheva took mushrooms, cocaine, weed, ecstasy, LSD. Chris and Sheva were laughing manically._

_The giant continued roaring and looking for them._

Chris: Shut up you giant asshole! You're being too fucking…too fucking loud! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Sheva: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

_The whole world was spinning around and Sheva and Chris could see different bright colors, they could see flowers and unicorns._

Sheva: Oooooo, everything is sooooooooo pwetty!

**In every life we have some trouble,**

**When you worry you make it double**

**Don't worry, be happy**

_Chris and Sheva see that the giant has turned into an adorable, happy giant teddy bear and that his dead body belt had turned into a belt made of chocolate._

Chris: Awwwwww! Look Sheva! Look at the cute giant teddy bear!

Sheva: I love you giant teddy bear!

**Dont worry, be happy now**

**Dont worry be happy**

_Chris and Sheva start flying towards the giant teddy bear. The giant teddy bear, Chris and Sheva all hold hands happily and start dancing around in a circle while they are flying in the air. The cute giant teddy bear, Chris and Sheva are all dancing around and laughing._

**Dont worry be happy**

**Dont worry be happy**

_Charlie Sheen appears out of nowhere and is flying in the air, naked and only wearing a fedora on his head. He gave the peace sign._

Charlie Sheen: WINNING! OR HOW ABOUT, LINNING!

**Dont worry be happy**

Sheva: Hey look! It's Charlie Sheen! I LOVE YOU CHARLIE SHEEN! LINNING!

Charlie Sheen: LINNING! Come back to my place later babe so we can get it on!

Sheva: OKAY!

**Aint got no place to lay your head,**

**Somebody came and took your bed,**

**Don't worry, be happy**

_Chris, Sheva and the giant teddy bear are now lying down on a cloud made of marsh mellow while it's floating in the air._

Chris: Yo, what is life yo? Like what…what is life like all about? You know?

Sheva: Yeah man…like, life, like…life what is…what is life? What is life? Why are we here? I agree. You're so philososophical dude.

Chris: Thanks you're philo—philo-

Sheva: Philososophical

Chris: Shit—that is such a smart, big word. I am wayyyyyyyy to high to try and figure out how to say philo-philo-philo…

Sheva: Philososophical

Chris: Oh Sheva, You're so edumacated. You're like so fucking smart Sheva.

Sheva: Yeah I know.

Chris: I'm so happy that we got to meet. If we weren't going to die, I was hoping that me and you would become really good friends and then you would meet Jill and we would all become best friends.

Sheva: I know! It's sad we're gonna die because you're my buddy Chris!

Chris: You're my buddy too Sheva!

_Chris and Sheva hug. The giant teddy bear hugs them too._

Chris: Awwwwww! Giant teddy bear likes to hug too! GROUP HUG!

Sheva: Awwwwww!

Giant Teddy Bear: I LOVE YOU GUYS!

Chris and Sheva: WE LOVE YOU TOO GIANT TEDDY BEAR!

_Giant Teddy bear uses his magic powers and magically brings out candy, chocolates, lollipops, ice cream!_

Giant Teddy Bear: Do you guys want candy?

CHRIS AND SHEVA: YAY!

Chris _(stuffing his face with ice cream, chocolates and candy):_ You're the best Giant Teddy!

Sheva _(also stuffing her face with ice cream, chocolates and candy):_ Yeah! Thanks Giant Teddy!

Giant Teddy Bear: You're welcome!

Chris: This is the best day ever!

Sheva: YAY!

After who knows how many hours, Chris and Sheva started to lose consciousness and they finally blacked out.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

**DISCLAIMER: I OWN NOTHING! **

Chris slowly opened his eyes. The sun was out and his eyes stung from light from the sun. Chris felt like shit. His head was hurting like crazy, his stomach felt empty and sick, his throat felt dry and his breath tasted of vomit.

Chris _(groggily):_ What...the...fuck?

Chris was lying on the ground and then he sat up. He saw Sheva also passed out next to him. Chris looked and saw that he had puked on himself...or at least he _hoped _that was his puke.

Sheva started waking up too and she slowly got up, holding her head. She felt like shit too.

Chris: Oh man Shev, we really got high last night.

Sheva _(groggily):_ Yeah. Getting high was fun but now I feel like crap.

Chris: Yeah me too. Hey….where' the giant?

Sheva: Yeah…are we….we're still alive? How are we still alive?

Chris: Yeah! I thought we'd be goners for sure!

Josh: You almost were goners.

Sheva: Josh? JOSH!

_Sheva is so happy to see her friend that even though she feels like shit, she gets up and happily sprints to him._

Sheva: Oh Josh! I'm so happy you're okay.

_Sheva stretches out her arms for a hug._

Josh: Hehe, yeah…um, Sheva I'm really happy to see you too and I'm happy you're alive, but you smell like puke so no offense, but no hug, okay? How about handshake?

_Sheva stretches out her hand for a handshake_

Josh: Um, yeah, you know what? Um, yeah you smell overwhelmingly bad so yeah, um no physical contact would be great.

_Sheva gives Josh an evil, angry look._

Chris: Hey Sheva, who's your friend

Sheva: You mean, "ex-friend" right?

Josh: Come on! I'm sorry! But do you blame me? You smell really, really bad!

Sheva: Whatever. Chris, This is Josh. Josh and I worked together and he trained me.

Josh: A pleasure to meet you Chris. Again, no physical contact would be great.

Sheva: How did you get here Josh?

Josh: Well after my team got killed by all these monsters I was like fuck this shit, I'm outta here! I was driving to the border to get out of this shithole and then I saw you and this guy being chased by that giant. I had to rescue you guys so I drove over as fast as I could.

Chris: How the hell did you stop that thing?

Josh: Oh it was easy. I just shot tranquilizer bullets at him. 100 tranquilizers and that fucker was out like a light.

Sheva: Where is the body?

Josh: Oh those mutated dogs ate it. It was a nasty sight. _(Josh shivers remembering the sight)._ Anyway after the giant went down, I went over to you guys to make sure you two were okay. You guys were high! DAMN!

Chris: Yeah I'm sure we were. I mean, I've been high many times but never as high as this.

Sheva: We thought we were going to die so we were just like why the fuck not?

Josh: Yeah, you guys were dancing around, saying all kinds of crazy shit.

Chris and Sheva got so high that their eyes were still bloodshot and red.

Sheva: Thanks for your help Josh.

Josh: No problem!

Chris: Oh man, we were supposed to do something right? Oh shit! We were supposed to stop Wesker!

Sheva: Yeah! Lets go get him!

Josh: Um, yeah, you two aren't going anywhere until you've showered, brushed your teeth and changed!

Chris: Where will we go to do all that in this place?

Josh: MAKEOVER TIME!

_All of a sudden, a huge bus comes out of nowhere and out steps Tyra Banks, Miss J, Nigel Barker and Jay Manuel!_

Tyra: Wanna be on top?

Chris: Are you kidding? I'm always on top. Well sometimes Jill gets on top but for the most part, I'm on top.

Sheva _(face palms)_: *sighs* She's not referring to sex Chris!

Chris: Oh.

Tyra _(singing off key):_ Wanna be on top? Nah nah nah nah nah! Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah!

_Miss J, Jay Manuel, Nigel Barker are dancing behind her also singing "Wanna be on top"_

Sheva: What the fuck is going on?

Tyra: Are y'all ready to look fierce?

Sheva: I am ready to go on vacation and forget that these past couple of days happened.

Tyra: Alright then! Time to look fierce! Girl, you stink! And these clothes…oh no no! They got to go!

Miss J, Jay Manuel, Nigel _(singing):_ They gotta go!

Tyra: You have such a sexy figure show it off!

Miss J, Jay Manuel, Nigel _(singing):_ show it off! Oooo!

Tyra _(Checking out Chris):_ Oh hello sexy, look at your fine body! Mmm mmm! But these dull army clothes have gotta to go!

Miss J, Jay Manuel, Nigel _(singing):_ They gotta go!

Tyra: Come on guys! To the bus!

Miss J, Jay Manuel, Nigel _(singing):_ To the bus! Oooo!

Tyra: Okay, we're done singing now so stop.

Miss J, Jay Manuel and Nigel Barker put down their heads sadly.

Tyra: Okay guys, first shower, brush your teeth and then we'll take care of your clothes and hair.

_In the bus, Chris and Sheva showered, brushed their teeth and they were styled by Tyra and her crew._

_There was a studio audience on the bus cheering and clapping._

Tyra _(talking to her studio audience):_ Alrighty guys, remember Chris and Sheva who smelled disgusting and looked disgraceful? Check out their pictures before.

Audience: Ewwwww!

Tyra: I know right? Well check them out now! CHRIS, SHEVA, COME ON OUT!

_Chris and Sheva come out of their separate dressing rooms and start walking the runway and the audience goes crazy!_

Audience _(cheering and clapping):_ WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Tyra: WOOOOOOOOOO! Work it Chris and Sheva! Work it! FIERCE!

Sheva was wearing a strapless sparkly teal top, sparkly teal shorts and she was wearing a sparkly golden necklace, earrings, bracelets, and sparkly golden high heels. Chris was wearing a checkered maroon, white and black short sleeved shirt, dark grey jeans, black sneakers and a gold watch.

Audience: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

_Chris was working the runway and making fierce poses. He walked, stuck his butt out and also smacked his butt. Tyra smacked his butt as well._

Tyra: Ooooo, that's what I'm talking about! Shake what your mama gave you white boy!

_Chris also walked and then snapped his fingers and then posed putting his hands on his hips._

Tyra: Ooooo! You go Chris! Come on Sheva don't be shy! Work the runway girl!

Sheva: Yeah, um, me and Chris really, really need to get back to a mission we're dealing with…so I gotta go…

Chris: Come on girlfriend you look fabulous! Come on work it!

Tyra: Yeah! WORK IT! WORK IT! WORK IT!

Audience: WORK IT! WORK IT! WORK IT! WORK IT!

Sheva _(frustrated):_ FINE! FINE! I'll work it! I'll work it just so you guys can shut up!

_Sheva walked the runway like a model and posed by putting her hands on her beautiful hips while rolling her eyes and sighing._

Audience: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! SHEVA! SHEVA SHEVA! SHEVA!

Tyra: Oooo girl you were fierce! Now smile with your eyes! Smile with your eyes!

Sheva: Okay I've done enough. Come on Chris, lets go.

Chris: But I'm having so much fun being fierce and the audience loves me.

Sheva: Uh remember we have a psychopath to catch who is trying to destroy the entire world? The same psychopath who is holding Jill hostage?

Chris: **WESKER!** **MUST GET REVENGE! AHHHHHHHHHHH! FUCK THIS RUNWAY SHIT!** Come on Sheva lets go!

Sheva: I need to change my shoes though. There is no way that I can do this mission with these heels! I need sneakers!

Sheva rushes to the audience and looks for who is wearing sneakers until she finally finds a woman wearing some nice sneakers.

Sheva: Hey, I need to borrow your sneakers.

Woman with sneakers: What? No way! These sneakers cost me a 100 bucks!

Sheva _(brings out her gun and points it at her):_ Give me your sneakers now!

Woman with sneakers: Point taken.

_Sheva puts on the sneakers and gives the lady her golden high heels. _

Sheva: Alright Chris lets go!

Tyra: Oooo girl those pink sneakers do not match that fabulous dress you're wearing! That ain't fierce! I am sorry Sheva, but your lack of style does not make you qualified to be a top model.

Sheva: What?

Tyra: You are out of the running of being _America's Next Top Model_. You must immediately pack your things and leave.

Audience: Awwwwww!

Sheva: Um...I was about to leave anyway, so...

Tyra goes to hug Sheva: It's okay Sheva, cry, let it out, It's okay.

Sheva: I'm not crying though…what is going on? What are you talking about?

Tyra: Shhhh. It's okay. You're a beautiful girl. Even though you're a loser on this show, you probably might make it in the modeling industry one day. Just don't give up. And don't gain weight.

Sheva: Okay?

Tyra: Goodbye Sheva. Now you gotta bounce.

_Nigel Barker comes and picks up Sheva and Miss J picks up Chris and they throw them off the bus. Chris and Sheva land on their asses on the sandy ground._

Chris and Sheva: Ow!

_The Tyra bus flies away._

Sheva: The fuck?

Josh _(appears out of nowhere):_ Okay, you two don't stink anymore! Now go and save the world!

Sheva: Thanks for your help Josh.

Josh: You're welcome! Now that you don't smell like a skunk's asshole, come here and give me a hug!

Sheva: Gladly!

_Sheva and Josh hug and then Josh gradually moves his hand from her back to her ass._

Sheva: The fuck? JOSH!

Josh: Oh shit! Sorry! You just…you're so hot!

_Josh then squeezes her ass._

Sheva: GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME YOU IDIOT!

_Sheva then fly kicks Josh and Josh falls on the ground._

Josh: Ow! Sorry! I've been so busy with my job and I haven't had sex in 8 months. So after you two finish saving the world, Sheva can you give me a call so we can get together and well…you know…get it on?

Sheva: Um, yeah…no.

Josh: Well, can't blame a guy for trying. Well, best of luck to you both.

Chris: Thanks Josh.

Sheva: I'll see you later Josh. Safe travels okay?

Josh: Thanks Sheva. Bye! Remember if you change your mind and you wanna… (_Josh starts humping the air)_ let me know.

Sheva: *sigh* Bye Josh.

_Josh hops in his jeep and drives away._

Chris: Alright. Now lets get WESKER! Right after I take a dump.

Sheva: …..


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything in this fanfiction**

Wesker was in his secret lair with Excella Gionne his partner in crime who was helping him with his evil schemes.

Wesker: Did you bring my shit?

Excella: Right here baby.

_Excella has a briefcase full of many syringes. She brings out one syringe and injects it into Wesker's bare ass. Wesker then pulls up his pants._

Wesker: Ahhhh! That's what I'm talking about.

Excella: I see that your plan of taking over the world is coming into full force.

Wesker: Oh yes.

Excella: And I can't wait to be ruling the world by your side…as your queen.

Wesker: Say what now?

_Excella starts to move her hand down to Wesker's crotch._

Excella: Haven't I proven my worth?

Wesker: Bitch get your hands off me! Ugh!

Excella: Ooo, I just love it when you play hard to get. It's such a turn on.

_Excella then sits on his lap and then forcefully pushes him to lie down on his back. She then rips off his shirt._

Excella: Woof! Woof! Wesker you're so disrespectful to me! You're so condescending and rude! That's so hot! You're such a rude boy! Come here rude boy, boy!

Wesker: THE FUCK? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU WHORE?

Excella: Ooo that's right! I'm a whore! I'm a nasty whore! I'm your nasty whore. Meow! _(Excella starts kissing his chest)_

_Wesker pulls out pepper spray and sprays Excella._

Wesker: GET OFF ME YOU MORON!

Excella: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

_Wesker pushes her off him and gets up._

Wesker: And I thought I was a psycho.

Excella _(eyes watery and red):_ You're really playing hard to get huh baby? I love it!

_Wesker goes to his huge computer screen and sees that Chris and Sheva have arrived at his secret liar._

Wesker: Finally! They're here! What the fuck took them so long? It's been like three days since I last talked to them!

_Chris and Sheva were walking around cautiously, holding their guns._

Chris: I wonder where Wesker is?

Wesker: Hello Chris….black girl.

Sheva: MY NAME IS SHEVA!

Wesker: Shevron?

Sheva: She-va.

Wesker: Shava.

Sheva: SHE..VA!

Wesker: Well sorry I wouldn't find your name so hard to pronounce if you had a normal, English name now would I? If you were a Jennifer or a Sandra or a Jane then it would be so easy to pronounce your name. Damn foreigners and your weird names! Like Sha-ra-po-va? What the fuck is that all about?

Sheva: My name is really not that hard to pronounce. Come on, you can do it…nice and slow. She…

Wesker: She..

Sheva: …Va

Wesker: Va.

Sheva: Alright now put those two words together…She…va. Sheva.

Wesker: Shavay? You know what fuck it! You're black girl! I'm calling you black girl!

Sheva: *sigh*

Chris: We're going to stop your evil plans you fiend! And where is Jill?

_All of a sudden, a figure wearing a cloak and a bird mask jumps down from nowhere and lands in front of Chris, Sheva and Wesker._

Wesker: Well isn't this a nice, big family reunion?

Chris: Reunion?

Wesker: Yes, I thought you'd be happier to see us.

Chris: Us?

Wesker: So slow to catch on.

_Wesker takes off the bird mask and then slowly removes the figure's hood._

Wesker: I am slowly removing this hood for dramatic effect.

_Chris and Sheva look at each other confused._

When Wesker removes the hoodie, the figure is revealed! **DUN! DUN! DUN!**

Chris: Um, who the fuck is that?

Wesker _(confused):_ You're shitting me right?

Chris: No, I really don't know who that woman is.

Wesker: You're kidding me right. You really don't recognize her?

Chris: Rebecca?

Wesker: What? How does Rebecca resemble this person at all? Rebecca has the body of a 12 year old boy! This person actually has nice bosoms and curves.

Chris: Ada Wong?

Wesker: ADA IS ASIAN YOU IDIOT!

Chris: Man, I am stuck.

Wesker _(rubbing his forehead with his fingers):_ It's Jill you moron! JILL! JILL VALENTINE!

Chris _(laughing):_ No it's not!

Wesker: Yes it is!

Chris: Uh huh. You're probably messing with me again.

Wesker: Chris, it's Jill. See her face. It's Jill. How can you not recognize her?

Chris: My Jill definitely did not look like that.

Wesker: *sighs*

_Wesker goes and gets a brunette wig and puts it on Jill's head._

Chris: OH MY GOD! IT'S JILL!

_Wesker face palms._

Sheva: Really? You can't recognize someone when they dye their hair?

**Flashback.**

_Claire Redfield's university was on holiday. She travelled on her motorcycle for 2 hours from her university to visit Chris. It started raining an hour ago and she was very wet and cold. She couldn't wait to get to Chris' house so she could hang out with her brother, get out of the rain and get some sleep. Claire finally got to Chris' house and she rang the doorbell._

_Chris: Who is it?_

_Claire: It's me!_

_Chris: Claire?_

_Claire: Yup!_

_Chris opens the door and he sees Claire but he has a disappointed look on his face._

_Chris: Oh I'm sorry. I thought I heard my sister at the door. Are you her friend?_

_Claire: Haha, very funny Chris. Let me in._

_Claire was about to go in but Chris blocked her path._

_Chris: Where's my sister?_

_Claire: I am your sister you dumbass! Now let me in! I'm tired and cold._

_Chris: Ha! Nice try! My little sister has red hair! You have jet black hair with blonde highlights!_

_Claire: Yes Chris, I dyed my hair! It's still me!_

_Chris: How do you know my name?_

_Claire: I'm your sister!_

_Chris: Uh huh, right, right. I'm sure you're an alien sent disguised as my sister so you can steal my brain!_

_Claire: What brain?_

_Chris: Oh so you imitate Claire's sarcasm too huh? Well played alien, well played._

_Chris then locks the door._

_Claire: You have got to be fucking kidding me! Chris! (Knocks on the door). Chris! I am freezing! Open the fucking door! CHRIS! CHRIS!_

_Chris: GO AWAY ALIEN!_

_Claire: CHRIS! Ugh! (Claire dials her cellphone). Hey Jill can I stay over at your place tonight? Because Chris is an idiot._

**End flashback.**

Chris: You monster! What did you do to Jill's hair?

Wesker: I have brainwashed her into becoming evil and all you care about is her hair?

Chris: She looked so hot as a brunette! Blonde hair does not fit her features! How could you be so cruel Wesker? Why? WHY?

Wesker: *sigh* Jill, please defeat this moron.

_Jill goes into attack mode and starts kicking Chris and Sheva's asses at full speed._

Wesker: MUHAHAHAHAHA! While Jill keeps you and black girl busy, I am going to go and destroy the world now! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Chris: Jill! Honey! It's me, Chris! Come on snap out of it! I don't want to hurt you!

_Jill who is brainwashed does not recognize Chris and keeps beating the shit out of him. Sheva tries attacking too but Jill dodges all her moves and beats her up too. Jill then rips off a bit of her suit in a fit of rage._

Jill _(roaring):_ ROAR!

Chris: She's too strong!

Sheva: Wait, what's that on her chest?

_Chris and Sheva notice a gem like device attached to her chest._

Chris: Some kind of funky body jewelry?

Sheva: *sigh* _(face palms):_ No Chris…that thing on her chest must be brainwashing her. So we have to get it off her.

Chris: Oh. I knew that.

Sheva _(rolling her eyes):_ Sure you did sweetheart.

_Jill has foam coming out of her mouth and she is growling. She runs at full speed and keeps attacking Chris and Sheva._

Chris: How the fuck are we supposed to get that shit off her chest when she won't stay still?

_All of a sudden, a gunshot is heard. Jill Valentine looks and sees a dart on her neck. Jill then has a huge, goofy smile on her face._

Jill: Jilly sleepy. _(Jill collapses to the floor)._

Chris: JILL! (Chris raises his arms to the sky) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Josh: Relax man, she's not dead. I shot her with a tranquilizer bullet.

Sheva: Josh! _(Sheva runs to hug Josh): _Oh Josh! You changed your mind! You decided to come back to help us save the world!

Josh: Um, yeah! Oh course! Why else would I come back?

**Flashback**

_Josh is driving in his jeep singing happily to Nigerian music on his CD player._

_Josh (singing completely off key):_

_Oya suddenly step in the club, they are loving me_

_Standing so far, yet they're touching me_

_I can feel their fingers rubbing me_

_She's calling me_

_Late in the night she's fucking me_

_All day long she's stalking me_

_And all these happen suddenly,_

_So suddenly_

_WOOOOOO! I have almost crossed the border! Soon I'll be out of this hellhole and I'll go on vacation and hang out with hot, slutty women in Miami! Wait a minute…OH SHIT! FUCK! I forgot! I loaned Sheva my I-pad and she still has it! I forgot to get it back from her! FUCK!_

_Josh stops the jeep and starts contemplating what to do._

_Josh: Shit, I'm almost out of here! I am so close! But then again, I-pads are super expensive! It took me forever to save up to buy that shit. *sigh* I guess I have to go back and get it. FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! DAMN IT JOSH!_

_Josh starts the jeep and turns back to Kijuju, cussing and being angry the whole journey there._

**End flashback**

Josh: Hehe. Yeah, that's why I came back. To help…yeah.

Sheva: You're the best Josh.

Josh: Yeah thanks, um, Sheva, can I have my I-pad back? I need it to um, go online to research how to destroy an evil psycho trying to destroy the world. Yeah, that's it.

Sheva: Oh yeah of course! That's a great idea! And wow I am so sorry I totally forgot to give you your I-pad back. Sorry about that. Here you go.

Josh: Thanks

Chris: Guys, how do we get this thing off Jill's chest?

Josh: Don't worry! As well as being a solider, I am also a medic! I'm a professional, I can help out!

Chris: Please hurry Josh, before she wakes up.

Josh kneels down towards Jill, who is lying on Chris' lap. Josh stretches his arms and cracks his neck and muscles.

Josh: Okay now…very carefully now…

Josh rips the jewel off of Jill's chest.

Chris: OH SHIT!

Sheva: JOSH! WHAT THE FUCK!

Josh: Okay it's off her now!

Sheva: Josh, I thought you said you were a professional!

Josh: Yes I am. I got it off her didn't I?

Chris: With no anesthesia? With no medical equipment? No first aid? You just fucking ripped something off someone's flesh?

**Flashback**

_Josh was fighting in a war in an African country with his fellow soldiers. There was lots of shootings, bombs, explosions and chaos. One of Josh's fellow soldiers got shot in the leg._

_Soldier: OH SHIT! I'VE BEEN SHOT! I'VE BEEN SHOT!_

_Josh: Don't worry Thomas! I'll help you! Now just relax._

_Josh gets a pair of scissors and rips out the bullet._

_Solider: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! SHIT! WHAT THE FUCK JOSH?_

_Josh: What? The bullet's out. You cry baby._

_Soldier (Holding his leg still screaming in pain): AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!_

_Josh: You're welcome by the way. Man, some people are so ungrateful._

**End flashback**

Chris: Did you even go to medical school?

Josh: I don't need to go to medical school. I learned biology, chemistry and physics in middle school and high school!

Chris: Then how the fuck are you an army medic?

Josh: There was an open position and the army asked me if I wanted to take it so I said yes.

Chris _(face palms):_ You have got to be fucking kidding me.

Sheva: Oh boy, she is bleeding a lot.

_There was a huge wound where the device once was and it was bleeding profusely._

Chris: We got to stop the bleeding guys!

Josh: Do you guys have First Aid Spray or herbs?

Chris: Well Sheva and I had a shit load of first aid spray and herbs…but _somebody _kept using a lot of them!

Sheva _(pouting and looking sad and ashamed):_ My bad.

Josh: Alright, lets use whatever we got to stop the bleeding.

_After looking around their inventory, they decide to use duck tape to stop the bleeding. And after sticking a shit load of ducktap on the wound, the bleeding finally stopped. _

_Chris was holding Jill in his arms and Jill slowly opened her eyes._

Jill _(groggily):_ Mmm…Chris? Chris is that you?

Chris: Yes my love it's me.

Jill: Oh Chris! Oh honey I missed you so much!

Chris: I missed you too!

_Chris and Jill start making out and doing serious tongue kissing. As they were tongue kissing, Chris was touching Jill's thighs, legs, waist and butt and Jill was feeling Chris' butt, abs and chest. They were both moaning and groaning._

Chris: OH JILL!

Jill: OH CHRIS!

Jill then rips off Chris shirt and gets on top of him and starts kissing his chest and his abs…

Sheva: WHAT THE FUCK? What are you two doing? There are other people in the room you know!

Chris: Oh, um yeah…

Jill: Sorry, we got caught up in the moment…

Chris: We haven't seen each other in a long time…so…

Jill: Um, yeah…

_Jill and Chris get of each other._

Chris: So um, yeah um, Jill this is Sheva and this is Josh. I wouldn't have made it this far without them.

Jill: Really nice to meet you guys. Thanks for being there for my Chrissy poo.

Sheva: Nice to finally meet you. Chris has told me a lot about you.

Josh: Nice meeting you.

Jill: I am so sorry I attacked you guys. I tried to resist but Wesker brainwashed me with some device he put on my chest.

Chris: It's okay baby. It wasn't your fault.

Sheva: Yeah, don't worry about it.

Josh: What was in that device anyway?

Jill: P30… a strong chemical Wesker created that is composed of a shit load of heroin mixed with caffeine.

Sheva: Heroin and caffeine? No wonder you had such super human speed, agility and strength!

Jill: Wesker uses P30 as well. But he uses an even stronger, more advanced P30. Heroin, caffeine and cocaine…and…Pepsi.

Chris, Sheva and Josh: DAMN!

Jill: I know right? Anyway he injects P30 every few hours. He took a dose an hour ago so if you can inject him again, it should make him overdose.

Josh: But, where are we going to get P30?

Sheva: You mean the shit load of P30s over there?

There was a cabinet that was full of P30s.

Josh: Wow, You think for a villain's lair he would be more discreet on where he kept his stuff.

Chris: Come on Shev, lets get some of those!

Chris and Sheva grab the P30s.

Sheva: Alright. Come on, lets go get him guys!

Josh: I would but um, I have, um…malaria! That's it. I have malaria. And I really wanted to help out too. Oh well.

Sheva: You have malaria? But you were feeling fine just now.

Josh: I know, damn mosquitoes. Damn them.

Sheva: Aww, I really wanted you to come so we can bring Wesker down together. Oh well, feel better Josh.

Josh: I would feel better with a hug.

_Sheva hugs Josh._

Josh: Oh yeah. Thanks Sheva. I feel a bit better now.

_Josh then grabs her ass._

Sheva: Alright, normally I would kick your ass for doing that but since you're really sick I'll let this slide.

_Josh squeezes her ass even harder._

Sheva _(pulls away):_ Okay, okay, that's enough Josh.

Chris: Jill, you coming?

Jill: I would but I think I am beginning to feel some serious withdrawal from that P30. _(Jill throws up)._

Chris: Yeah, you definitely are in no condition to fight.

Jill: I'm gonna go take a nice, long nap.

Chris: I'll stay with you! I can't just leave you here alone!

Jill: I'll be fine! You and Seeva have to stop Wesker!

Sheva: IT'S SHEVA!

Jill: Chris don't worry about me! The most important thing is to stop Wesker before he unleashes uroboros to the world!

Chris: But…

Jill: Chris, I promise. I'll be fine. Let me just get a lot of sleep, throw up some more and I'll be good to go.

Chris: Jill…

Jill: Please Chris, it's okay I'll be fine. Go. Don't you trust your partner?

Chris: Alright.

_Chris and Jill look into each others' eyes. They slowly start moving towards each other to kiss but Jill starts throwing up._

Chris: Okay well that ruined the moment. Okay Jill, be safe alright? Me and Shev will stop Wesker. I promise.

Josh: Everyone be careful okay? I have to go to treat my um, malaria. Oh and Jill, when all of this is over you might want to go to a hospital because that wound is probably, most likely infected. Okay, actually it definitely looks infected. Yeah, you might want to take care of that. Okay bye guys!

Chris, Sheva, Jill: Bye!

_Chris and Sheva start walking away, then Jill runs to Sheva and turns her around._

Jill: Take care of him

Sheva: I will. I promise.

Jill: And by take care of him, I don't mean take care of him in _that way_! Because bitch If you _dare_ sleep with _my man_ I will fuck you up! You understand me? I will fuck you up! I will fucking rip out your fucking intestines and use them to fucking strangle you!

Sheva _(her eyes were wide open because she is completely shocked and terrified at the same time_)…..

Jill _(smiling sweetly)_: Okay? Cool! Bye!

_Sheva still in shock and still terrified, slowly walks over to Chris._

Chris: What did Jill tell you? Did you guys have some girl talk? Huh?

Sheva: Um, you could say that.

Chris _(hugging Sheva)_: Aww! How cute! I told you that you two would get along when you met!

_Jill gives Sheva an evil stare and Sheva, terrified, pushes Chris off of her._

Sheva: Hehe. Alright lets go.

_Chris and Sheva leave the evil lair._

Jill: Bitch better not touch my man.

**By the way, the song that Josh was singing to is called "Suddenly" by a great Nigerian artist called D'banj in case anyone wants to check out the song :)**


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN ANYTHING IN THIS FANFICTION**

Josh: Damn! Why do evil villains always have large evil lairs? How the fuck do I get out of this place?

_Just then, Josh hears a woman crying. He sees a sexy woman with big boobies sitting on the floor crying._

Excella: *BOO! HOO! HOO!* *BAW!*

Josh _(to himself):_ Hot woman in tears…boyfriend probably dumped her…she is most likely vulnerable and on the rebound…YES! Josh can FINALLY get some action!

_Josh goes up to Excella._

Josh: Hey beautiful, what's wrong? Why are you crying?

Excella: It's that stupid Wesker!

Josh: Evil guy with the sunglasses huh? Man he doesn't seem to have a lot of friends.

Excella: *sniff* I loved him so much. I thought that we would rule the world together but he doesn't have any feelings for me! *BAW HAW HAW!*

Josh: Girl you are soooooo fine, how could he not fall for you? Are you sure he doesn't love you?

Excella: *sniff* He's going to unleash a virus by spraying it off a plane and I tagged along but he pushed me off the plane! *WAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!*

Josh _(searching his pockets for condoms):_ Damn that's harsh. Aww, you poor, beautiful woman! Come here.

Josh hugs her and rests his head on her boobs.

Josh: There, there. Look you are such a hot woman. You don't deserve a guy like him! You can do way better!

Excella: Aww, you're so sweet! You know what? That's been my problem. I always fall for bad, disrespectful bad boys! I need to be with a man who will treat me with dignity and respect!

Josh: That's right!

Excella _(seductively):_ A guy like you.

Josh: Oh yeah…I'm all about respect.

Excella: Now give it to me in the ass!

Josh: YES!

_Meanwhile our heroes Chris and Sheva are in the plane that is about to unleash uroboros to the world. The narrator would explain how they got on the plane but the narrator is too lazy. Anyway in the plane…_

Wesker: Oh so you made it to the plane. But it doesn't matter. There is nothing you can do Chris and black girl! We are 5 minutes into the altitude where uroboros will be unleashed, ensuring complete global saturation! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Chris: We'll see about that Wesker!

_Chris goes to punch him but Wesker dodges with his super human speed. Sheva tries kicking him but he grabs her leg and flings her away. Chris starts shooting at Wesker but Wesker dodges every single bullet._

Sheva: Um, Chris, why are you wasting ammo? If he keeps easily dodging all your bullets what the fuck makes you think that you'll be able to hit him?

Chris: I'm panicking right now! I don't know what else to do! *WAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!* _(Chris starts crying while shooting)._

_Sheva goes attack Wesker but again, Wesker dodges and hits her._

Wesker: MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! GIVE UP!

Chris: Hey I got an idea!

_Chris brings out his water gun and points it at Wesker._

Wesker _(sarcastically):_ Ooooo, I'm sooooo scared! Oh no! A watergun! Whatever will I do? You know what? I am going to stand still. Go ahead spray me! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

_Chis sprays the water gun to Wesker's face._

Wesker: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! THE FUCK? IS THIS? IS THIS FUCKING PEE? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Wesker starts freaking out.

Chris: That's right! We ran out of water so I drank the water in my water gun. And then I thought, hey you know what would be a good idea, peeing in the gun! So that way it would be a urine gun! Pretty innovative huh?

Wesker: MY EYES! MY EYES THEY BURN! OH IT SMELLS SO BAD! AAHHHHHHHHHH! AND I THOUGHT I WAS A SICK FREAK! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Sheva: Wow Chris, that is so disgusting but very, very handy. Now quick! Lets overdose him now that he's in one place!

Chris: Right!

_Chris and Sheva run towards Wesker and stick two P30 syringes in his neck._

Wesker: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Chris: Ah ha! Take that Wesker! Now what? Now what? What now biatch? Huh? Huh? What? What?

Plane: 30 seconds until destination altitude.

Chris: Oh shit! I gotta open the plane entrance! Shev, cover me!

Sheva: Gotcha!

Wesker: DAMN IT! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

_Wesker starts running at full speed towards Chris, dodging all the bullets that Sheva is shooting at him. Wesker is so close to grabbing Chris but our hero is able to reach the switch on time and he opens the plane door! HOORAY!_

Wesker: FUCK! YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS CHRIS!

Chris: Sheva! Hold on to something!

_Chris and Sheva hold on to the panels on the plane. Wesker isn't holding on to anything and starts to fly away. He grabs Sheva._

Wesker: If I'm gonna die, you're coming with me black girl!

Sheva: MY NAME IS SHEVA!

_Sheva gets her knife and stabs Wesker's hand and he lets go, flying out of the plane. Sheva also loses her balance and she looks at her friend Chris one last time._

Chris: SHEVA! NO!

_Chris bravely lets go of his panel and grabs onto Sheva and pulls her to him._

Chris: I gotcha Shev!

Sheva: Thanks Chris. Um, is the plane heading towards that volcano?

Chris and Sheva: **AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!**

The plane lands roughly on top of the volcano. How the plane didn't explode or melt is really puzzling. Our heroes come out of the plane exhausted and breathing heavily.

Chris: Shev, *pant* *pant* Sheva are you okay?

Sheva: *pant* yeah I'm fine thanks. How are you doing?

Chris: Good, *pant*

Wesker_ (comes out of nowhere and for some reason he's shirtless):_ AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I SHOULD HAVE KILLED YOU ALL THOSE YEARS AGO CHRIS!

Chris: Well I'm still alive and I'm going to kick your ass and stop you once and for all!

Sheva: Hmmm, I hate to admit it, but Wesker looks really good shirtless. I didn't know you work out. Very nice bod you have. And wow look at those abs…

Wesker: Why thank you.

Sheva _(twirling her hair):_ No, thank you for the view.

Chris: Sheva!

Sheva: What? He's evil but he's hot!

Chris: Your time is up Wesker!

Wesker: I don't think so CHRIS!

_Wesker uses his super human strength and punches the missile that is filled with uroboros. Uroboros takes over his entire body and he mutates right in front of our heroes._

Wesker: MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

_Chris and Sheva run away but as they are running, the ground shakes. Chris falls below, separating him and Sheva._

Sheva: CHRIS! Are you okay?

Chris: I'm fine! GO! I'll meet up with you!

Wesker: I am going to kill you Chris! But first, I'm going to kill your little friend first!

Sheva: Oh shit. Chris! HELP!

Chris: SHEVA! I'm on my way! Just hold on! Oh shit! How can I get up to her?

_Chris starts looking around and sees...a boulder._

Chris: Just what I need! I just need to move the boulder so it can create a path for me and Sheva!

Chris starts to punch the boulder but it doesn't budge.

Chris _(Scratching his head):_ What do I do?

_Just then, Chris sees a can of spinach on the ground_

Chris: YES!

_Chris picks up the can of spinach and eats it and all of a sudden he has super strength!_

Chris: OH YEAH!

_Chris goes and punches the boulder, then punches it again and then in slow motion, he punches it one more time…._

Chris _(in slow motion):_ TAKE…THAT…BOULDER!

The last punch smashed the boulder into pieces.

Chris: SHIT!

Sheva: CHRIS! HELP!

Chris: FUCK! Well, I guess I'm going to have to jump. Here goes.

_Chris jumps_

Chris (jumping) AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Chris makes it to the other side, although he almost lost his balance. Chris ran to Sheva and they both start shooting Wesker.

Wesker: MUHAHAHAHAHA! YOU CAN'T STOP ME BITCHES!

_Just then, the ground shakes and Wekser falls into the lava._

Wesker: OH FUCK! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Chris: Well, that a pretty anti climatic boss battle.

Wesker: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! DAMN YOU BOTH!

Sheva: Oh shit! We need to get out of here or we're toast! We will literally be fucking toast!

_Just then, Chris and Sheva see a helicopter hovering over them._

Chris: Hey! It's Josh! And Jill!

Jill _(throws the ladder from the helicopter):_ GRAB ON!

_Chris and Sheva climb the ladder and get into the helicopter._

Sheva: Thanks for the help guys!

Josh and Jill: You're welcome!

Chris: Jill!

Jill: Chris!

_Chris and Jill hug and kiss_

Chris: I'm so happy that you're okay honey!

Jill: I told you I'd be okay. And I knew you would take Wesker down! I knew it!

_Chris kisses Jill on the forehead._

Jill _(goes to hug Sheva):_ Thanks for being there for Chris, Sheva.

Sheva: In a platonic way of course.

Jill: Good, so I don't have to kill you. _(Jill starts laughing)_

Sheva _(laughing nervously):_ You really scare me.

_After Jill and Sheva finish hugging, Sheva goes up to Josh._

Sheva: Thanks for coming to our rescue yet again Josh!

Josh: Um yeah…of course!

**Flashback**

_Josh and Excella were both in Excella's room in Wesker's evil liar. They were both in her huge bed, naked under the golden leopard print covers and they were both smoking after some very hot and heavy sex._

_Excella: Wow…you…were…amazing_

_Josh: Not as amazing as you girl! Wow!_

_Excella (tracing her fingers on his chest): I can't believe that I was ever in love with Wesker. I am so happy that I have found my true love…you._

_Josh: Say what now?_

_Excella: I'm in love with you Josh!_

_Josh: Woah, woah now woman! We just met! How the heck can you possibly be in love with me?_

_Excella: Because you're my soulmate! Oh I can't wait for the wedding!_

_Josh: THE FUCK?_

_Excella: Should we have it here in Kijuju? Oooo, maybe we can have a traditional African wedding yes?_

_Josh: I'll be right back, I'm gonna um, go to the bathroom._

_Josh quickly picks up his clothes from the floor._

_Excella: Hurry back baby *meow*_

_Josh(smiling nervously): hehe_

_Josh leaves the room_

_Josh: Crazy bitch! No wonder Wesker pushed her out of that fucking plane! Now I need to get out of here!_

_Josh quickly put on his clothes and ran, hoping that Excella wasn't following him until he bumped into someone._

_Josh: Jill!_

_Jill: Joe!_

_Josh: It's Josh_

_Jill: Oh sorry, my bad! Anyway I thought you left Kijuju already._

_Josh: I was trying to leave but I got lost._

_Jill: Well, follow me! Lets go to Wesker's hanger so we can get a helicopter._

_Josh: Sweet!_

_Josh follows Jill to the huge hanger which has many helicopters and planes._

_Josh: Thanks Jill! Okay, well I better be going._

_Jill: Wait! We gotta find Chris and Simba!_

_Josh: You mean Sheva._

_Jill: Oh, yeah my bad! Sheva. Anyway we have to find them and fly them out of here!_

_Josh: Well I really need to get out of here, so you can take one helicopter and get them and I'll take another helicopter and go to Miami._

_Jill: I can't fly a helicopter or a plane. However I can lock pick because I am Jill Valentine, the master of unlocking._

_Josh: *sigh* Fine! I'll fly the helicopter. Damn it! I should have been out of this fucking country since yesterday! Ugh!_

**End flashback**

Sheva _(kisses Josh on the cheek):_ Thanks for helping us again Josh.

Josh _(to himself):_ I really wanted to get out of here but a kiss from Sheva is worth it. (out loud) You're welcome my friend.

_Suddenly, Wesker emerges from the lava_

Wesker: **CHRIS!**

_Wesker grabs the chopper with his elongated, gross, mutated arm and starts pulling the chopper towards him._

Josh: DAMN IT! I SHOULD HAVE LEFT THIS SHITHOLE SINCE YESTERDAY! NOW I'M GOING TO DIE HERE! _(Josh starts crying)._

Jill: Chris, Sheva, use those!

_Chris and Sheva grab 2 rocket launchers conveniently placed in the helicopter._

Chris: Ready partner?

Sheva: Locked and loaded.

Chris: Suck on this Wesker.

Sheva: Your time is up you son of a bitch…

Josh: WILL YOU JUST FUCKING SHOOT HIM?

_Chris and Sheva fire the rocket launchers._

Wesker: Oh shit…

***KABOOM!***

_The rocket launchers ripped through Wesker. Albert Wesker was dead and the world was saved. YAY!_

Josh, Sheva, Chris, Jill: WOOHOO! YES!

Chris: WE DID IT!

Sheva: YEAH!

Josh: I need new underwear!


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN ANYTHING IN THIS FANFIC! **

_The helicopter was flying across the horizon. Jill was sitting on Chris' lap, resting her head on his shoulder._

Jill: Oh Chris, when we get back home, the things I'm gonna do to you...

Chris: Yes! Sexual intercourse!

Jill: Thanks again for everything Sheva!

Sheva: You're welcome Jill! I'm so happy that all of this is over.

Jill: I know! Finally.

Chris: Jill, when I thought that you died…I was devastated not only because I lost you, but also because you died before I could tell you how I felt about you…Jill Valentine…I love you.

Jill: Oh Chris! I love you too!

_Jill and Chris start passionately tongue kissing and moaning._

Sheva: Oh for crying out loud…

Jill: Oh fuck it! I can't wait any much longer. I want you…now! Josh, are we out of Kijuju yet?

Josh: Yes, co-ordinates state that we are over Morocco.

Jill: Drop us off.

Josh: What?

Chris: Yeah, we'll meet you guys back in the States but uh, me and Jill have some business to take care of.

Josh _(laughing):_ I know just the perfect hotel for you two.

_Josh lands the helicopter next to a luxurious, five star hotel._

_Jill and Chris rush out of the chopper._

Jill: Bye guys! Come on Chris!

Chris: See you guys later!

Josh _(laughing):_ Have fun you two.

Sheva: Bye guys!

_The helicopter takes off and Josh and Sheva are on their way to the United States._

Sheva: Those two are the horniest couple I have ever met. But they are really cute together. I am so happy that they reunited.

Josh: So…Sheva…you wanna, you know land somewhere so we can do some business of our own?

Sheva: Um, no.

_Sheva picks up her cellphone and dials it._

Sheva _(happily):_ Carlos! Hi baby!

Carlos Oliveira: Mi amor! How are you sweetie? So are you done with the mission finally?

Sheva: Yes. I have so much to tell you. So much random shit happened. When I get back home lets go on vacation. I _need_ to take a vacation.

Carlos: No problem. You sound so tired. Looks like you need a massage as well.

Sheva: That would be nice baby. Anyway I gotta go. I'll see you back home. I love you.

Carlos: Te quiero mucho mi amor.

Josh: Oh, no wonder you never want to hook up with me! You have a boyfriend!

Sheva: Yes, I have been in a happily committed relationship for 3 years now.

Josh: Well, if it doesn't work out and you need some Josh loving, just let me know.

Sheva _(sarcastically)_ Of course! Definitely.

Josh: Yes! I still have a shot!

_Sheva rolls her eyes._

**The End.**

Jill dyed her hair back to her natural brunette hair color.

Chris and Jill got married a year later. They invited all their family and friends; Claire, Barry, Leon, Ada, Rebecca, Billy, Sheva, Carlos and Josh. It was a wonderful wedding ceremony. Chris and Jill lived happily ever after and kept enjoying having crazy, wild, passionate sex.

Sheva went on a well deserved nice, relaxing, romantic vacation to Hawaii with her longtime boyfriend Carlos Oliveira. After all the random shit that happened in Kijuju, Sheva decided to take it easy. She resigned from the BSAA and Carlos decided to resign from being a solider too because he was getting very stressed out. Sheva and Carlos are happily married and currently live in the Bahamas where they run a successful restaurant on the beach. They also have a beautiful house on the beach.

Josh resigned from the BSAA and moved to Miami. He owns a club and makes a shit load of money. He has a nice mansion, a yacht and he parties it up and gets many babes. He contacted chlamydia but after going to the hospital now he's been cured.

Excella "accidentally leaked" a sex tape of her and Josh's one night stand. The sex tape sold millions of copies and Excella became a star. She now stars in her own reality show "Keeping up with Excella."

And as for Wesker…well he's in hell.

Wesker: This is great! I am here among so many villains and psychos. I feel right at home.

_All of a sudden, hell is surrounded by huge TV screens that show the music video "Friday" and the music is really, really loud_.

**IT'S FRIDAY! FRIDAY! GOTTA GET DOWN ON FRIDAY!**

**EVERYBODY'S LOOKING FORWARD TO THE WEEKEND, WEEKEND!**

**FRIDAY, FRIDAY!**

**GETTING DOWN ON FRIDAY!**

**EVERYBODY'S LOOKING FORWARD TO THE WEEKEND!**

**PARTYING! PARTYING! YEAH!**

**PARTYING! PARTYING! YEAH!**

**FUN! FUN! FUN! FUN! FUN! FUN! FUN! FUN!**

Wesker: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

The devil: MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

**The End.**

**I hope y'all enjoyed it. Thanks for reading! :)**


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